Jul 27, 2012

keeping the faith

when problem hits, the first few weeks is the hardest. that is the part when everyone is still groping in the dark. there are not so many questions, we often times have this feeling of hating and pointing fingers, the feeling that there is someone to blame because you just can't handle the situation. praying doesn't help because the mind is closed to whatever reasons concerned people have, it just doesn't help at that moment when the pain is still fresh.

when the mind and heart is ready to listen, that's when everything falls into place. you are ready once again to face the situation, this time, with an open mind and a prayer. you start to see things clearly and in a positive way. you start to cope.

being strong has been the best option but emotions has its limit. there is a time to grieve but don't let it just end there. even if the reason to be strong is faint, tiniest hope can still get into you as long as you're not alone. even at the darkest time, when you feel like there is no one but you whom you can rely on, that whispered name from the heart can bring meaning to life.

and that's when you start to kneel and pray, and just let it all go but still holding to what really matters. prayer is the key, just trust in him and you'll know he's always there to listen.

God, thanks for always being there. <3

Jul 24, 2012

day 4

had to wake up early today. according to mamu, they are having a hard time feeding Pia so she ends up just having milk and candies before bedtime. I am a bit concerned because even though Pia's just 4 years old, I can sense that there is something bothering her and that  started almost 3 weeks ago. I don't want her to look boney/skinny so I have to be a bit strict to her during meal time.

Tatay is already cooking dinner. as for me, after this post, I'ma prepare for work and have to leave the house 45 minutes early so that I can catch the 8:45 shuttle so as to save money instead of taking a cab which costs me 88 pesos tops.

I'ma be getting my first pay tomorrow. not bad for a first.

I am trying to avoid bickering part with the mother. She's trying so hard to let the people know that I am the bad guy and the worst daughter anyone could ever have. she's just something.

I miss you D. i heard that the dark night movie is a must see. As much as I would want to watch it, i'm thinking of skipping for now. you are my movie buddy kaya. I might go watch it if my sister would want to watch it too but if not, na-uh.

Take care D. I'ma see you soon. :)

Jul 23, 2012

day 3

i cried again today, twice. i smoke more than i used to. i am thinking about buying e-cigar because i can't stop myself from finishing one pack a day, doubled since... *sigh*

if not for work, i am a basket case when I am at home while my pia is sleeping. smokes and blank stare is what i usually do.

one thing i found out today, I would never want to become my mother. i never said I was perfect. i won't go deeper into that, after all, she's still the mother.

me and Pia always fight every meal time. I'm thinking about buying vitamins for both of us, pampagana kumain, also thinking about switching to another milk brand.

despite the depression, i can still squeeze in some normal thoughts you know.

Jul 22, 2012

day 2

i miss D, so bad.

i can't be alone because if I am, i am gonna loose it. my family whom i've known for so long ain't got my back compared to the support D's family is giving.

D might be 5 hours away from us, am not used to it. i miss the moments when I get home from work and have someone waiting to here how my day was. i miss you because you're my best-est friend ever.

for now, i have to be strong for my macute. she misses you too, uses the blanket you used during the trip. as long as I see her everyday, i know we can get through this.

work will start again tonight. Pia's getting used to sleeping with mama and rain-rain and tatay already.

i miss you kaya. jaheng ulan, pinapa miss ka lalo. *sniff*