One thing you should know about me, I'm not a snob.
It may seem to you like I am that kind of person but because I know myself more than anybody else, I am totally not. There is just this thing that you should know, when I don't feel like talking, I literally don't. This is one thing that I can't help doing, it is sort of a habit for me which people misunderstood. Misunderstood because this mood pops up whenever it wants to. I am perky, I love talking but it is for a limited time only. When this mood comes in, you only get a yes and a no answer from me or often times, nothing at all. This is one reason why I can't wait to have our own place. People gets affected and I can feel it because this mood that I am talking about is infectious. This is also the reason why I hate group works and hates be-friending all the people in the room. Did I mention that it just comes out of nowhere? Like for example, I am the party starter, got everybody in the mood to party and may seem like the happiest moment of my life, and then all of a sudden, when the mood kicks in, I'd be silent at one corner, happy to see other people happy. I am happy deep inside but it just doesn't want to show anymore or if the mood gets worse, I just feel like crying. Yah, I am weirded out too. People get affected because they are paranoid that they were the ones who caused my change of mood and I hate that. This weird mood of mine is also the reason why my pod is always in handy. I'd rather keep myself isolated because of this mood and that's when people starts to assume that I am a snob. Also, when this crappy mood of mine creeps in, even the little-st problem that is totally solve-able makes me break down and then after a few minutes of crying, I feel happy again.
Weeks ago, as I was going through some articles on the Yahoo page, saw one article that talks about Bipolar disorder. The first time I encountered this work (which was way back high school), I knew that I had this disorder. Though mine is just a mild one called Cyclothymic Disorder. I was going through the symptoms and it is an 80% match of what I am feeling when I am feeling "the" mood. I ain't a doctor people and I mostly based my research about this mood on Google and no I am not a drug user but, if I can afford to see a shrink, I would want to know if this disorder really applies to me. For now, I don't have any clue on how to deal with it. D knows how my mood easily changes and he understands but there are times when my mood changes 50 times from hot to cold, cold to hot, he also gets frustrated. About the suicidal part, yeah, I've been there before but it just remains in my head, never attempted to do so plus I already have Pia that glues me together when I am broken inside.
So if you drop by my blog often, I really don't need to explain myself which I keep doing before to people at school or work but then I grew tired because they still think I have an attitude. Now, I don't bother. I still am a loner. I tried to be perky the whole day but I need to rest my mouth too you know, If I shut up, that's when I feel "the" mood again.
If you have the same mood, if you can relate, I need tips to cope.