Nov 29, 2010

Please, Not Today

My mood swings today are intolerable. I cried twice today, with sobs. I know, I am wondering why too.
Last month, I had my first shot for Injectable Contraceptive. From what I've heard, besides not having normal menstrual flow, I get mood swings and might gain weight. Since this is my second month after the shot, I didn't notice anything new, not until today.

This morning while washing the dishes, a flashback from an incident that happened a week ago made me cry so hard. D was there to console me when I got to the room but he was confused because he doesn't know what I was crying about. Then part 2 of my drama scene happened like 2 hours ago, I sobbed again for no apparent reason. So weird-ed out with myself. I was thinking, I need a shrink asap or just check in to a Psychological rehab if RP has one. I talked to one of my sis and she said that what I'm goin' through is normal, might have something to do with the contraceptive, and definitely because I have been going through a lot this past few weeks.

School has been hard for me not because of the subjects but because I feel like I don't fit in. The term that I used to my sister was "outcast", yep that's how I feel. Outcast simply because I am not into those stuff that they are into. They are still teens and their dilemmas are far more simpler than mine ("mine" meaning my responsibilities as a mom, a daughter and a common-law wife). I talk to them, yes I do, but when it comes to hanging out, smoking the time out and talking about pimples and crushes and what to wear the next day, you know, kids stuff (and you talk about it like over and over again everyday), count me out please, I am way over that stage.

At home, after that bitter spat incident with "her", I got uncomfortable, to the point where I preferred to lock myself inside the room, so as not to see her face. I should not let it bother me that much but I can't help it. If only we have a spare room at my mom's place, we might have moved there long time ago. Another thing is that me and D gets into a fight more often. Not the serious one's though, mostly we fight about petty stuff and when my mood swing kicks in, I get to be a biatch, leveling his being-a-brat mood (him being a bitch is his nature) that the problem prolongs because either one of us wants to lower "the pride". We get to kiss and make up after a day but it's just so tiring especially when my mood swing's level is higher than normal.

I know, I should not let it affect me so much. If we are friends on Facebook
you will notice that I constantly seek for God's words on one application called See Your Message From God, this is what I got today...
...that YOU are the gardner of your soul. Plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of expecting someone else to leave you wilted flowers.

... everyday, I get to receive a message and it can totally relate to what I am going through on that day, that's why I never fail to check it. With this,from what I understand, I let others affect my everyday life and that leaves me a wilted flower at the end of the day. I need to cope up with this because if not, I end up feeling like a loser for the rest of my life. Right now, my daughter, God and my family and a few of my closest friends, from them is where I get my strength. Honestly, my everyday thoughts is plotting revenge and cursing at that person who made me feel worthless and that my friend is emotionally tiring, trust me I know.

For now, I need to pull myself together, though I am on the verge of falling apart, I am still thankful that there are a few people who's willing to lend their hearts and ears and that is what I need right now while sorting my thoughts and working on diverting my thoughts to more useful stuff.

That's about it, special thanks to ate T, you're such a dear.